Being a TV Critic

Hey, everyone. You may remember me from a little place in Texas called the Burnt Toast Diner. It's a quiet cafe with great waffles and mostly ignorant clientele. Well, I'm inviting you to join their ranks!

Since things have kind of slowed down for the time being as we await what crazy, new things might happen now that my own daughter has gone public about her immortality issue, we have decided to pass the time dabbling in the art of criticism.

Do you own a television? Do you watch it? Then you must have thoughts about what you're seeing on the ol' boob tube. No, thoughts? Well, clearly you're watching too much of it.

Those of you who walk the thin line between TV-viewing and literacy might want to try your hand on TV reviewing. We'll be opening up the the diner to new bloggers that can share their thoughts on the magical babysitter we all know and love: television!

Leave a comment here or email me at bennet at primatechpaper dot org if you would like to post TV reviews on our blog.

New Idea

I was thinking while walking the dog recently and I got an idea.

A town called Salvation

I'm not sure as to where this idea could go but here is the right place to flesh this germ of an idea out. At first I wasn't sure at all about what to do and then I realised (with a lot of help from a good friend - Thanks Ash) that this could be the opposite to Dante's Inferno. Instead of descending into through the seven levels ascending through the seven heavens.

Yes its Christian in message but so is Alice Cooper and the Gilmour Girls. The fact that its a postive message about redemption, forgiveness, grace, justification, sanctification leading to salvation doesn't mean it cannot refelct reality and has to be all happy joy and bright. I want the kind of meta-reality we see in most action movies. I want guns and fight secenes, sex, drugs, just like the way Guy Ritchie or Brian DePalma would do it.

So guys (yes fellow script cleaners I'm talking to you) what are your thoughts?

Okay I'm finishing it here.

We left off with Flash and Prince Barin realising their growing Bromance, Princess Aura didn't seem to mind at all about that and Dale falls for Vultan (thats everyone shacked up). The groups join forces to oust Ming but they are too late. Unknown to them Klytus (Mings evil scientist) has already opened up Zarkovs mind and has discovered the secret to the portal technology. This gives Ming the tactical advantage enabling him to transport whole armies around Mongo. Ming's plans begin with enforcing a stranglehold on Mongo and then an invasion of Earth.

They hatch a plan, Vultan and Dale go to Mingo City acting that Vultan's people found her. Barin and Flash go disguised as Vultan's men to release the Strike team and find Zarkov. Of course it all goes horribly wrong. Ming sends an army to destroy Sky City smiling at Vultan as he watches the destruction. Ming places Vultan in protective custody, Vultan claims article 17 (a prince of Mongo cannot be taken captive without trial by combat).
So yeah its Vultan who uses Ming's Law not Barin in my version. Works better for me.
So this doesn't happen. Which is a pity cause Brian Blessed camps it up wonderfully.

Ming refuses Vultan's claim to combat, having him in a cage while his people suffer is so much more satifying. Vultan is dragged away his people are also placed in custody across Mongo. Dale is considered damaged goods "I can smell the bird on you." declares Ming.
Princess Aura interupts Flash and Barin's attempt to save Zarkov, cause Ming had laid a trap for them. They find Aura has already saved Zarkov and the strike team. Zarkov reveals that the portal technology must be destroyed at all costs. Aura also tells them that Dale and Vultan have been captured.

Flash, Zarkov and the strike team head for Klytus to destroy the portal generator. Aura and Barin go to release Vultan who only wishes to kill Ming, he flies off (not literally) to realease his men and to kill Ming, Vultan has a death wish. Barin only sees defeat and wants Aura to leave with him, Aura says she cannot leave till Ming is dead. Barin leaves saying he can't risk anymore defeats and leaves.

Flash Zarkov and the strike team (along with a few loyal to Princess Aura) get to the portal generator. Vultan and his group force themselves through the city, but, loose numbers quickly. Arua gets Dale who demands where Vultan is, Aura tells her of his suicide mission and the two try and stop Vultan. They are too late. Ming is already gloating over Vultan, his men dead or injured around him.
Zarkov and Flash fight their way in, where Klytus has the portal in operation. Klytus flips a switch and the portal opens onto Earth. He tries to tempt Flash and the strike team to leave Mongo for Earth. Flash and the strike team are divided a few decide to take Klyuts' offer. Zarkov pleads with them not to. The strike team go through the portal, Flash hesitates just long enough for Zarkov to grab his gun and fire at Klytus and the portal generator.
A blast rocks the City, and gives Dale an opening to save Vultan, enabling them both to slip through blast doors as they close on Ming securing the Throne Room.
"You swept down and saved me like a true woman of the sky." replies Vultan in gratitude.
Flash and Zarkov arrive to interrupt Vultan and Dale. Flash asks where did the blast come from. Dale asks wasn't it the portal blowing up. If it was us we wouldn't be alive replies Zarkov. They get to a viewing deck where Barin and his merry men are flodding into the city. Barin demands to know where Arua is.

In the throne room Ming is in a fit of rage. Screaming for Klytus to get him out of the now very secure throne room. No one can find Klytus, Barin has stormed the city and there is a fleet of ships from many nations assembling. My people are coming to save their King boasts Ming. Aura tells Ming this is not the case, that if he looks closley they are supporting Barin's troops. Ming can't beleive this, at least you have come to my aid daughter. No, I have cometo kill you. Ming goes for him pimp ring, Aura grabs a sword cuts off his hand and runs him through.

Much later the blast doors are opened revealing Aura on the throne, Mings body sprawled on the floor. Aura, bloody sword in hand proclaims Mongo free.

Last scene has Flash and Zarkov talking amoungst the celebrations. Dale and Vultan eyeing each other, Barin with Aura on the throne. What happens next asks Flash. Whatever it is I'm sure it will be out of this world. replies Zarkov.

Flash Gordon Episode 16 Parts 1, 2 and 3

Hey just enjoy it. This is so much fun and Aura looks like a hawt verion of Tela from He-Man

Dragonball eeew.

In most movie adaptations there are some things that are changed, but at least the spirit of the original is there. This is not the case with Dragonball Evolution. Everything was changed.

I've read the excuse that this was to bring in new fans, most likely kids but they take one of the things would bring in kids, the fact when Goku started out he was about 12 or 13.

Interviews with the director and stars Said something like “it would look too silly to have a kid beating up people."

Odd, since movies, like Harry Potter, and Spy Kids have at least made enough money to get sequels unlike DBE. Although I don't know how good they are since I've never seen them they seemed to get the demographic they wanted to.

DBE, Well it annoys DB/DBZ fans with all the changes, and bores kids since for long periods there’s nothing happening but Goku whining about how he's different or Just a lot of talking. Oh, and Goku has a thinly veiled sex fantasy about Chichi in class. Not sure who that was for.

So how much did the characters get changed? Goku went from naive jungle boy to whining emo who I guess was taken from the Peter Parker Archetype. Problem is Pete, actually lightens up when he puts on the Spider-Man mask, and starts with the scathing one liners on his foes. Goku on the other hand is constantly emo, and sometimes growls like Wolverine. Not intimidating when you look like this.

Bulma was turned from a boy crazy girlie girl into the Tomb Raider. Roshi was embarrassed that he was perverted, unlike the Anime, and Yamcha went from a some what competent fighter, to a fairly useless idiot. And he talked like Michelangelo from the 1980's Ninja Turtles cartoon.

Mai turning into Mystique really didn’t bother me since she was a fairly minor character, but Piccolo well I have no idea how he was done since he was only in the movie for about ten minutes, and he was the main villain. Chichi was pretty much just eye candy.

The changes wouldn't have been so bad I suppose if the movie was on some level entertaining so I wouldn't see it as a Dragonball movie but just a movie, well the fighting was too bad to be considered cheesy. I've seen better on Power Rangers.

Speaking of Power Rangers Piccolo’s monsters or creations looked like they were rejects from that show. And the special effects well they looked direct to DVD movie, Sci-Fi channel effects.

What really takes you out of it are the plot holes though. At the beginning of the movie they explain how Piccolo, and an ape like alien called Oozaru attack the planet Thousands of years ago Piccolo is sealed up in a magic jar, while Oozaru is banished.


In the present day Piccolo is just here, doesn't explain how he was freed, he's just there. He's after The Dragonballs for some vague reason that's never explained. And I don't think it's to take over the world since he seemed to be powerful enough to do that already. he blew up a village, and an ocean under his own power. Somehow he was able to sense where the Dragonballs are when everyone else needs devices to find them that are never explained.

Yamcha captured the main heroes at one point, Roshi takes this time to explain Piccolo’s story, again, after it was explained 30 minutes ago at the beginning of the movie. Then after what looks like hours since it's the daytime when they fall in the hole, and night at this point Roshi jumps out, and makes a deal with Yamcha, why couldn't have done that hours ago?

Oh and the biggest plot hole that takes me out of the whole movie with its "WTF" ness. They mad a point that Goku was on his 18th birthday, it was brought up a lot. But Piccolo reveals to Goku that he's the 1,000 year old Oozaru, but one of the scenes during the explanation shows Goku’s adopted picking him up as a baby from a spaceship 18 years ago.

Is he 18 or a thousand? Is he reincarnated from the first Oozaru? Is he the same species? Did Oozaru somehow de age himself? Who knows? That's never explained. The next plot hole was more just amusing than mind boggling.

Goku turns into Oozaru, which unlike the Anime isn't a King Kong sized ape, but is a cross between a werewolf, and the Incredible Hulk his clothes get torn like you'd expect from a little scrawny guy turning into a seven foot buff monster, but when he turns back into Goku his clothes are fine. They regenerated or something.
That was just funny.



What didn't help this movie is that it ripped off a lot of other movies or shows, I mentioned Spider-Man, But it also called the Kamehameha “air bending." Yes they stole a bit from Avatar, and the Oozaru seemed more like the Hulk and Naruto combined than the DBZ version. In fact the final fight with Piccolo was more Naruto like than Dragonball with all the hand gestures it took form the Kamehameha.

Now what did like about this movie? Well the women are hot.

But, hot women are in most movies and many of those have better plots. And really I can see hot women for free just by taking a walk in town.

Now how would I change the movie? Well first off a Dragonball movie can't be made with the small budget this movie had, but somewhat closer to the Anime with the crazy fantasy setting dinosaurs, freaky talking animals the planet looking like an alternate Earth instead of a vacant lot with one futuristic city.

Plus the characters would be a lot closer to what they were in the Anime I think instead of Piccolo though Goku should fight the Red Ribbon Army fighting tanks, planes, soldiers and eventually cyborgs would make for a better first movie I think.

Piccolo should have waited for a sequel.

As for DBE itself there's rumors of a sequel but nothing official from Fox, it mostly seems to be fanboy wishful thinking from the few s that actually liked it, and with as little as this movie made, I can't see producers actually spending all that much to make a sequel better.

Flash Gordon week The middle bit.

Now when we left off Dale ahd been taken by Vultan (blaming Prince Barin) Flash was with Barin and Aura, and Zarkov was with the strike team being tortured by Klytus (5 posts and Zarkov is still being tortured, wow!). The information everyone wants to know is how to open the portals, unfortunatly only Zarkov knows which puts Dale and Flash in trouble.
Aura uses a device similar to Mings Pimp ring to get the truth out of Flash. However they are attacked by Ming's forces who believe they have Dale. Aura gives herself up so Barin and Flash can escape.
On the run through the jungle Barin explains to Flash about Mongo's situation and how the portals would change everything. All Flash wants to do is get off Mongo and get home. Hawkmen spot Barin and Flash in the open, orders are given for them to be captured. Barin tries to tell Vultan that Ming has Zarkov and the only way they can get him is to work together.
Now in the flim this would lead to the fight scene between Barin and Flash. I'm not going to have that here.
Barin and Flash are detained and Vultan goes back to trying to get the truth from Dale. Dale tells Vultan the same as Flash and Barin. Vultan believes her cause she reminds him of his wife and releases Flash and Barin. You vouch for this man asks Vultan to Dale about Flash. Vultan places Flash in Dale's charge.
Why didn't he believe us? moans Flash. Barin explains that Dale is the commander of the strike team and Vultan would never listen to a soldier. We see the wonder that is sky city protected from Ming's forces sky city it protected by its shields safe from Ming's armies. Vultan is shown as a good ruler, fair and just. Dale's presence has a few giving her second looks. Why are they lookng at me like that asks Dale. Barin explains that Vultan's had a wife who died in battle. Vultan vowed he would not take a wife unless she could lead men in battle. Which you have done.

Okay enough soppy stuff. Yeah I want Dale and Vultan to get together. Stuff Flash.

Casting for Vultan and Prince Barin.

This Vultan is warrior and is rough but there's a softer side to him. That and Dale has to find him attractive too. So unfortunately John Rhys-Davies isn't going to cut it.

Jason Statham - Has the looks but I don't know.

Daniel Craig - He could do a great Vultan. I'd sign him up

Then you've got Barin.

Hugh Jackman could do it. I know even I want to slap him for the Wolverine movie but he's got the stuff to play Barin. He can do romatic lead.

How about this guy - Alessandro Nivola

So thats that. Following this the conclusion of Flash Gordon - The Remake.

Flush Flash!

Flash a-ah

Savior of the Universe

Flash!

He save everyone of us

Flash!

He's a miracle

Flash!

King of the impossible

Upbeat lyrics, full of hope, promise and daring do . . that’s what Flash Gordon is about. Instead of fun, cheesy camp played to the hilt by a motley band of actors making questionable choice, the SciFi channel has produced an ongoing series full of total crap!

When I heard last year they were going to be making a new Flash Gordon weekly series I said to myself, “Self, that just might be cool. Go set the DVR.” Ever compliant, I immediately leapt into action, picking up the remote and pressing a few buttons. A few days later I was watching the pilot of the new TV series. It sucked! It’s like it was all taking place in someone’s back yard and some leather dudes would pop in and look around menacingly. No Hawkmen. No Ming. No spaceships. Just lots and lots of crap.

I don’t actually remember much of the details of the show, having done my absolute best to block out the vapidness. My brain has precious few places enough to store information as it is without wasting the space on that turkey. I turned in over the next few weeks but saw no sign of improvement.

All this is a pity. I’d love to have a good weekly Flash Gordon series. He’s a cool character. American alpha male getting yanked from his everyday life to go on wild galactic adventures with all sorts of odd aliens and terrible, weirdo villains. It’s a great concept. I don’t want to see Flash making dinner for Dale Arden though, I want to see him flipping over a gaggle of flying monkies and saving the girl.

SciFi whines they don’t have any budget for that? All they can afford to do is set up a camcorder in the producer’s back yard and have some actors mill around? Crap, I say! Did that piece of cheese-tastic awesomeness of the 70’s have a budget? No! The Hawkmen’s wings didn’t move! They were tossed around on cables in front of a terrible green screen. The evil robot was just some old dude wearing a mask. The effects were horrible! And yet the movie was great.
Sam Jones was heroic taking out bad guys and shouting Dale’s name ever 10 minutes. Max Von Sydow was great letting his deep, rumbling voice drip with venom as he delivered his immortal line . . “I like to play with things a while before I destroy them.” That was basically the sum total of his menace, saying evil things. And it was great! We loved it! One of those crappy middle James Bond’s played the prince and he was great! And Ming’s daughter . . she was a totally hottie. When Ming had her disciplined and her top got ripped, we all thought we might get to see a little boobie. And it was great! She was a total sex kitten!

You don’t need a big budget to make an entertaining Flash Gordon! You need to have some fun though and at least try to create some exotic locales. Hopefully SyFy won’t pain us with a pitiful attempt at the other great sci-fi serial, Buck Rodgers. Let JJ Abraham do that.